Monday, September 5, 2011

February 5, 1999 • Naked Dreams

I had a dream the night of Feb, 4th. I can't remember a lot of it like usual.

All I remember is that I'm in a cowboy camp with John. He's fully dressed and as handsome as ever.

We are a ways away from the fire and it's night. He's wearing a cowboy hat & boots and I'm within the circle of his body. I'm not sure of the exact position but something like a curled up cat. I'm totally naked and don't really mind that much but am a bit cold so my jean shirt gets drapped over me.

That's it.

Grownup Ann says,

This is significant, since I was not comfortable with my naked body AT ALL. I'm a little better now that I'm older. Aged wine and all that.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

September 26, 1998 • Part III • The Real Thing

Continued from Part II

So we leave and I follow him as far as my road and turn off and he waves bye to me and I wave to him. When we were in the park to leave I mouthed bye to him and he gave me another one of those stares and then smiled at the end.

So I get home and have to see Kat after I shower and when I went out to pick up pizza. That takes about an hour and 45 minutes and I come home the whole time wondering if John called, which he didn't.

I'm all anxious for John to call even though he didn't give me any sign that he would and I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high so they won't squash me when they're coming down. Then the phone rings right when I'm about to take the dog for a walk and I run to get it half knowing it won't be him. It's 9. Glory be!

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high so they won't squash me when they're coming down.

It is him and I don't think he recognizes my voice when I answer and he asks for my brother so I give him to him and listen to my brother's end of the conversation. Eventually the phone gets to me and we talk for a long time though I still keep losing my thoughts and he tells me that his parents didn't go out and he had to work. That explains his late time of calling.

We talk and talk about lots of things like demolition derby like we did before and I ask him again to call me if he gets a free night and he tells me again that its really hard for him to get a free night and so I say "I'll see you Thursday at scouts" but I don't know if I can go or not! Ahh! I really want to see him. He's a real gentleman and really sweet.

So I had to call Kat up and tell her and then the power went out because of the storm and I wrote this.

It took about and hour and 45 minutes to write.


Grownup Ann says,

Whew is right! I'm pretty sure I couldn't have cared less about demo derby.

Monday, August 29, 2011

September 26, 1998 • Part II • The Real Thing

Continued from Part I

Well here it is Saturday and I'm at the park with my brother and sister to work all day, from 9 to 5, with John and the team Ha Hoo! The morning part of the day I work with Kevin and his obnoxious crew but 1/2 way through John comes down and we have to help him mulch part of the path. Thank you God. But that only takes a little while and we are back to the obnoxious crew without John.

Lunchtime rolls around and the crew splits up with Kevin & Teddy and me and some other boy going the rest of the way down the trail and the rest of the group going the other way. We expect to find John and the others down there but see no one and go up the road towards camp when I hear a whistle. I stop for some reason and don't hear it for a few seconds and then hear it again. I think to myself, "I've never heard that kind of bird song before." but still look around and low and behold there is John, walking up the trail and asking us how we got ahead of him. We walk back in friendly camaraderie to the camp and John says, at least twice, that he needs to go get his truck and asks if anyone will come with him because he doesn't want to go alone. Kevin goes with him and I think I missed a BIG hint there. Oops! (( I forgot to say that right when John got to the site in the morning he like stared at me with this stare that you definitely don't want to break but don't know what to do with. He has beautiful hazel brown eyes. ))

"Oh, yess! He is in all my dreams and I want him so bad it hurts."

We eat lunch in camaraderie etc. and then have to split into groups again but this time we split and I get to be with John and Kevin etc. Yeah! But before we go we have to do a sweep of the grounds to pick up trash from lunch and I miss the obvious and John and I have to go get my sister and Teddy off the dirt pile and Teddy starts in as he does for the rest of the afternoon with the John and Ann stuff so I get to go with John, in his truck, with the other boys to get the mulch and rake it into the trail. The whole time Jeff is teasing us about what we want to do to each other etcetera and we just look at each other and smile and sometimes in the constant jabbing I answer with, "Oh, yess! He is in all my dreams and I want him so bad it hurts." Though I know I didn't use that last phrase, you get the idea.

We get all the mulching done and John and I have constant contact going on even if it isn't physical. The flirting is continuous. Eye contact on the side mirrors of his truck or bantering over the nature of a woman etc. John starts, because everyone else stood and watched, digging holes for the signs to mark the trail and it starts to rain so we have to get the poor little track star, who might melt, to the shelter, my sister included.

While in there, John and I are seated on opposite sides and he gives me that stare again. There is no smile with this stare so you have no idea what he is thinking. Shivered me a little.

We go back out and set in the post and move to the other end to put in the other post and John, we just watch, has to dig three holes because they all have rocks in them, even the third. He hands me his watch because now he has to get down to work and try to get the rock out but its a whole congregation of rocks and he has to get his lug wrench [crow bar] out and chip away meanwhile working up a nice sweat and ((the entire time working with the "John group" perverted things are being talked about, dildos and the like)) showering sparks. Not exactly showering. I only saw 2. Etc. Etc. Until the job is done and his mom, who I didn't know was his mom, comes and asks where the rest of the team is. We drive back to the end of the trail and walk down to find Ken, the coach, and the rest of the team. We find them and they are almost done. Just putting down a few steps of beach stone. So I say I'll become the typical woman and, John says "lazy" jokingly, and I sit down to watch. Aside - John and Kevin have this fiancee thing going that is really strange through the trek down and I tell them they make a cute couple and Kevin suggests a threesome and John supports the idea.

And when I catch him he just smiles his "I did it but you like it" smile.

John eventually sits down next to me while I watch my brother try to dig a dirt shelf for the last stone and I feel the slightest touch on my face. Its John with some wheat grass. He keeps this up along the edge of my jaw in my face on my arm. You don't know what that did to me. Ohhhhhhhh! I loved it! And when I catch him he just smiles his "I did it but you like it" smile.

The trail is finished and we have to go back to get John's truck and the 4-wheeler so my sister, Ken, me, and John go back to the mulch pile and the rest of the team go the other way towards the camp.

I get to ride with John in the truck and my sister rides in the back while Ken drives the 4-wheeler up because you have to be at least 18 to operate it and John and I are only 17. We ride back up and talk a little and get to the site before the others. John has to load up. The wheelbarrow and the trailer to the 4-wheeler and bring them to Ken's before he can load up the 4 wheeler itself and bring it home so he can fix it because it broke and he borrowed it from someone. So we wait for Ken and he loads the stuff up and mouths to me, I love it, "Want to go for a ride?!" I say sure of course!

We ride to Ken's house, which is just outside the park, and talk about what kind of drivers we don't like and stuff like that. We get to Ken's and unload. I told him he had to get the heavy stuff. And we get in and ride back and I am waiting for him to ask me to do something with him even though I know he doesn't have any free time with his job unless he doesn't want to sleep.

He doesn't ask but he asks me why I have two names, Ann & Alice, and when we see a car go the wrong way in directions to the work signs we laugh about that. We get back and he loads up his truck with the 4-wheeler and I gather up my brother and sister and he wanders around me and I'm still waiting for him to ask me but he doesn't. I get all our stuff together and my brother and sister and get ready to leave but can't because John parked right behind me. So we back out at the same time and I have to follow him out of the park and my brother keeps beeping my horn at him but John figured it out because I could see him smiling in his rear view mirror.

To be continued...

Grownup Ann says,

Did I mention I could be wordy?

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

September 26, 1998 • Part I • The Real Thing

First of all, this was not a dream. This is the real thing and a lot better even if as much doesn't happen.

First, I always seem to lose my train of thought around him. It could just be because I'm tired or something but I don't think so.

"John es guapo"

I met him through my brother's track team. Last Saturday I had, was forced, to take him to the park to work on John's community service project. I did not want to go but went and met John. Whoo Whee! My brother was right, he is cute.

After the work thing we were at home, my brother, sister and I, and talking about sex etc. and Bro calls up John. I told him he could, wasn't even really nervous. He called and left a message with John's mom and told her that I was "hot" for John and his mom got all excited and asked Bro "So, She liked what she saw!?"

John called back and I said, "So Bro told you, huh?" and on went the conversation to find out about his work and how he has no free time and so it would be hard for us to go somewhere together but he liked me.

So I had to bring Bro to the park again this Saturday and this week I was thinking about it and trying not to be obsessive but I think that I may be a bit because tonight I thought I saw John's features in Dad's face and could feel one of his facial expressions on my face like I'm taking up a few of his little nuances. But I digress.

He's so... handsome is the only way to put it.

I happened to let it slip in Spanish class Monday that I liked John to his best friend Kevin. I wrote, "John es guapo" on the board and he obviously hadn't known because of his reaction. Oops!

And then later in the week, Tues. or Wed, Alice tells me that she was on the phone with John and he had asked about me. I don't think I even told Alice that I liked him. I guess him and her are friends. Well that brought up my spirits.

Then I had to take Bro to a track meet Thursday night and saw John when I dropped him off and when I came to pick him up. I walked with John to the car side by side and he overwhelmed me. He's so... handsome is the only way to put it. He has a beautiful face. I liked the feeling of walking next to him. He even asked me after I had already told him last Sat. if I was coming this Sat. So I guess he was looking forward to it. He looked so so so good when he got out of his car to go to the meet.

To be continued...

Grownup Ann says,

The real thing is right! I knew what I was talking about... and apparently what I was dreaming too.

Monday, July 25, 2011

September 20, 1998 • My Dream Man

A dream the night of 9.19.98 & the morning of 9.20.98

For some reason I am with my friends and a very attractive man/guy. Attractive at least to me. And we are just together and at the very beginning of forming a relationship. We just met. My friends seem to be trying to break us up and destroy the relationship and I think I know this because one of my "friends" told me so. I am very worried because I feel that we have a very very good thing going between us and I don't want it to disappear.

I'm with Sam and another friend and me and the man and the other friend has gone into a coma or something and I am some how responsible for it. I don't know if I brought him there or if he went into a coma and my "friends" are trying to make me believe I'm responsible.

Well, Sam gets sick too and the man, Mike, I think, gets pains around his ribs. I get all upset and Sam says its all my fault that everyone is getting sick and I know that Mike has to get to the hospital.

Its a very strong and sad and heartfelt hug.

Before he leaves I am really nervous that he will really think I did it and I am beside him and tell, mumble, am really nervous that I would never want anything bad to happen to him and I am on the verge of tears may  be over it and he is very sick but he understands and pulls me to him to give me a friendly and understanding kiss on the lips but it progresses to more kisses and we get a little bit more passionate but not much because I am so conscious of the others watching and that he is weak and sick.

We rub our tongues against each others lips but that's all and I move to hug him but he didn't expect it  and changes to hug me and kisses my hair and ear. Its a very strong and sad and heartfelt hug. I think I have a few tears and then he walks away to go to the hospital and I turn away sad with my feelings all very strong inside me of hope and love and lust and happiness and fear and I wipe off my mouth because for some reason his skin was covered with a white powder, that included his lips, and that's all I remember.

Grownup Ann says,

Pardon the run-on sentences but premonition is strong here. My subconscious knows the future! (or some twisted rendering of it, at least.)

Thursday, July 21, 2011

September 8, 1998 • College Dreaming


I had a dream about 3 nights ago.

I was at college signing up for something in a line and I look over and see Johnathan Brandis to my left in a hooded grey sweatshirt looking younger, not more mature like he is supposed to be right now.

He looks at me and smiles and gives me a hug and I say, "Do that again." I'm surprised of course and we have a conversation, I think, that I can't remember and I think to myself, "That went pretty well" We spend the night together wandering around campus and stuff and we have lots of fun.

...he's working his way down my neck and two campus security guys find us...

One thing I remember is that we're in the grass outside the dorms in an open park like place and were both on the ground making out or something and he's working his way down my neck and two campus security guys find us with a flashlight and the one with the flashlight is black. I don't know if that matters, and tells us we should better get to our rooms so they don't get into trouble because its past curfew, 2:00 am.

So we are surprised at how the time went by and we leave and make our way back to our separate dorms and I get back to my room and my roommate is all like, "where were you?" and I think to myself! "Its my first night at college and already I'm messing around. I'm going to have a hard time getting down to business." but I have the feeling I don't want to get down to business because I want to keep what I got with Brandis and not lose it because its something I've never had before.

Grownup Ann says,

You can see my worrywort side here. Excited about future possibilities and my abilities to juggle them.

Monday, July 18, 2011

January 19, 1998 • Part II • Abortion


T told me a few weeks ago that she was pregnant and was all happy but sad.

Then she told me last week that she was going to have an abortion and her mom was going to bring her and the father supported her because she just doesn't feel she can take care of a baby when she can barely take care of herself. Those were her exact words.

Then she called me up tonight and was crying and upset because her mother had called her up and said she didn't want to be her mother anymore and won't bring her to the abortion clinic (which she was supposed to go to tomorrow) and she says the mother has to be there and then she had to hang up.

... my mom thinks T is a slut

I haven't told my mother about it because T asked me not to in the beginning and because my mom thinks T is a slut. She came right out and told me when I asked her during the summer after the drive-in that I described a few pages back. I'm afraid to tell mom because she is so biased and dad keeps saying he loves T but I have no idea how he would react.

T hasn't told her dad yet because she is afraid and her grandma that she's living with now, the mother of her dad, says she won't take her to the abortion clinic unless she tells her dad and her aunt said the same thing.

I think she should talk to her mom's mom because T's mom had her at 17.

Grownup Ann says,

T followed through with the abortion and her life continued on the stereotypical path you would expect.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

January 19, 1998 • Part I • Singing


I like Jay a lot. I asked him a few months ago to play piano for me in the variety show while I sang "Nobody Does It Better". He said yes and we practiced and I went to his house a few times to practice.

During the practice one night I asked him if he would go to the winter ball with me and he said he would think about it. I asked again later and he says he wants to go by himself and I understand because if you go with someone then you have to stay with them all night etc.

I told him I was going to go with a blind date then and he said if it was really bad he would cut in or something.

We did the variety show and it wasn't perfect but good even though my mic wasn't on.

I really want a boyfriend but I guess I will settle for a friend.

After the variety show a few days I called him and asked if he would go see Titanic with me and he said he had to ask because there would be a teenage driver but before he knew there was going to be a teenage driver he said, "I guess" He couldn't go with the teenage driver because his parents won't let him until he has his license and so he said he should get it in a few weeks and then we would go. I still have to bring him back the dress his mother lent me and mom says I should go over there to record the piano and me for grandma. I'm not sure if he likes me and the signs say "not as a girlfriend" I really want a boyfriend but I guess I will settle for a friend.

I went to see Titanic with Jess and Ruby. That is the saddest and best movie I have ever seen!

A few weeks before that I went to see "Tomorrow Never Dies" with Jess but we were going to see Titanic but it had already started and hour and a half ago. I love going out with just the girls.

Grownup Ann says,

I was interested in Jay because he appeared an easy target, not because I was really attracted to him.

Monday, July 11, 2011

January 19, 1998 • Dreams of firehydrants and a boy

Dream I had a few nights ago: Friday night.

I was out with Jay somewhere and we were running around in the back of a building pulling up fire hydrants.

I pulled up a big red one and with it came the big roots of a tree and the water fountaining up.

We ran to (somewhere) and then we are on a bus and he is sitting next to me and other people are on the other side of me and I put my arms on his shoulders and around his neck and back and he moves to my lap and I run my hands along his chest all slow and easy... Awake.

Grownup Ann says,

What is with me putting boys on my lap?

Saturday, July 9, 2011

July 14, 1997 • Witty

Lines for a book
Man: So, you been thinking about me.

: How conceited of you! (pause) Yes...

Grownup Ann says,

At least I entertained myself.